Returning to work - week 1

Monday 4th September

First day back today - staff only, no pupils. I have been increasingly nervous over the last two weeks as the start of term approached. Symptoms that have been fading over the past few months have reappeared - especially fatigue and disturbed sleep.

I wasn't sure how I was going to react to my colleagues or they to me. Actually, everyone I met was very normal and matter-of-fact, with no sign of resentment. After an hour and a half I went home. One and a half hours of just being on-site was enough for one day. I spent the afternoon asleep.

Tuesday 5th September

Second day back at school - again no pupils. Started with a full staff meeting where new members of staff were introduced. This added to the strangeness of the experience. There have been many other changes during my absence - interior decoration, furnishings, even my locker has gone.

The departmental meeting was rather surreal too. (I am not going to meetings really, but it was helpful to get back into the groove, so I sat in rather in the role of an observer.) I had nothing to contribute, and the discussion of exam results and timetables seemed only distantly connected to me. I was constantly aware that these colleagues had suffered extra hardship because of my absence. Nothing overt was ever said, but the odd remark or exchanged glance made me feel a little uncomfortable. I could feel guilt stirring again.

Guilt has been a major feature of my experience over the last year - guilt for not working hard enough, guilt for not coping, guilt for letting other people down, guilt for not being at work. It has taken months to stop regarding myself as weak, not pulling my weight. I have learned, and come to accept, that I have suffered a health injury - it was done to me, it was not all my fault, perhaps none of it was my fault. And now, in this meeting, guilt is once again hovering in the background.

Wednesday 6th September

I taught my first lesson today! Last year's lower sixth are just starting their A2 course. This is the group that I "abandoned" last year just as their first AS level module was due for examination. (Here comes guilt again.) Amazingly, they all seem pleased to see me, but there is a little distance too. Obviously, it will take time to build relationships again.

I was pretty anxious this morning. I spent all morning at home preparing the lesson. (Lesson preparation seems to take an awfully long time at the moment.) I came into school half an hour before the lesson and went straight home again afterwards. I was exhausted and slept for three hours in the afternoon.

Thursday 7th September

I taught another lesson today. I am beginning to think that I might be able to cope!. That is the up-side. What follows is the down-side.

Because of timetabling problems I have to teach this lesson in a small classroom outside the department.

I arrived during the lunch break to check the room out. Just as well. Much of the furniture had been pushed against the wall, including the teacher's desk which made the chalk board inaccessible. Many of the tables were covered with books and equipment. I needed every one of the tables and chairs to fit my class in. It took me twenty minutes to clear the tables and move the furniture into a usable arrangement. By this time I was sweating profusely. (This is one of the unfortunate side-effects I experience at the moment as a result of exertion or stress.)

Ten minutes after the end of the lesson I was in the staff room. Another teacher came storming in after me. He was complaining that I had not left the room in its original state. I explained that I needed to use every table and chair. He was very agitated and told me that I was causing him a lot of stress.

This is the first time I have encountered resentment and I found it very unsettling.

Friday 8th September

I had long conversations today with two other colleagues who are suffering from stress - one has kept it secret and the other will not take any action. I think they feel that they can talk to me because they are confident that I will know what they are talking about. They do not feel threatened by me. I find it difficult being in the role of mentor with so many problems of my own to overcome.

The first teacher has only recently admitted to being treated by his GP for stress-induced depression. I tried to persuade him to explain all this to the headteacher but he found it too difficult. (I think some of the contributory causes of his stress were linked to management styles and structures.) I suggested that he went to see the headteacher with a friend. In the end he agreed to go in the company of his union rep.

The other, an experienced teacher, was close to tears at the end of the afternoon. She was teaching practically every lesson in a series of different rooms outside her department. She had to fetch and carry all her books and equipment around the school. By the end of the week she was so stressed that she was unable to remember to bring all the right things to each lesson, she was late arriving to lessons and her planned lessons were falling apart. On this particular day, the only break she had been able to snatch was ten minutes for a sandwich at lunchtime.

This all brings back memories of similar feelings and experiences that led up to my long-term absence from school. You soldier on and grit your teeth because your colleagues seem to be doing exactly the same. After a while you have to run just to keep still. Eventually, you run even harder yet fall further behind.

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